Fifty Shades of Jade
by Chechtiel
Summary: Shady Times for Rose Lalonde the most powerful mage on Earth C. She has to deal with the sudden crazy ideas for fetishes by her wife Kanaya who got those from bad human literature and deviantArt. Now Lalonde must deal with an adventurous troll and many binding positions and situations. (Co-Autor godlessAdversary and Illustrations also by godlessAdversary.)
1. Chapter 1

**Chechtiel: "Welcome friends. I am Samyaza/Chechtiel and this is my partner godlessAdversary."  
godlessAdversary: "Hello."  
Chechtiel: "We combined our literary might to present to you a story of romance, drama, mistakes, idiocy and a lot of sarcasm.  
godlessAdversary: "Less trolling than Homestuck though** **, but with the same capacity for lon  
Chechtiel: "Have fun about the story we decided to call:"  
**

* * *

 **Fifty Shades of Jade  
by  
Samyaza or Chechtiel and godlessAdversary**

* * *

 **Shade 1: The first Bonding**

* * *

Rose awoke like every day, her ankles and wrists bound together at the front.

No, this wasn't the way she awoke usually. This was the first time, and she was perturbed by this fact, but not scared.

She was more interested in who the culprit was and why they did this to her.

She sat upright and opened her eyes, finding herself in Kanaya's room, sitting on the pile of the troll. It was not the bedroom they shared, but rather Kanaya's working space where she was working on new dresses, clothes and other pieces of fabric.

"I should be worried about the fact that I awoke bound in the room of my wife. There are not many people who could tie me up, and I seriously doubt they would do this even as a joke. Vriska would have made a bigger show during the kidnapping alone. It is not ironic enough for Dave. Karkat is not the type for this. Terezi would have arrested me and the Mayor would never do that."

Rose took a deep breath. "Cronus, if you are the culprit, I will do to you what Circe did to Odysseus' men."

After making that threat, she wondered if an Alternian turned into a pig would still keep their horns.

"There wouldn't be the need for sorceries, my darling." Rose heard a very familiar and formal voice coming from somewhere in the room. "However, I am more interested in other types of taboos."

Kanaya walked out from behind an old wooden clock, as if she was waiting for the call of suspense in a thriller.

"Hello, my love."

"Kanaya, can you tell me why I have been shackled like some slasher movie victim?"

"Don't worry about that, dear." Kanaya walked to her girlfriend and gave her a kiss on her cheek. "I just needed to keep you submissive for romantic purposes."

Rose was relieved to hear that this was that kind of scenario. But wait, there was something off here.

"Kanaya, these aren't BDSM shackles." She said, trying to shake off the tools of oppression binding her.

"These are industrial iron shackles for prisons!"

"The ones in the BDSM shop didn't look romantic enough."

"What kind of BDSM stuff are you into? What is going on, Kanaya?!"

Kanaya looked at Rose's irritated look and sighed in defeat.

"Recently, I have been reading some books to spice up our relationship."

Rose stared at her, hoping she wasn't referring to a certain series of books and that she was referring to standard lesbian erotic books.

"What books did you read?"

"I am a little ashamed saying this, but I have been reading some novels from your collection, and found some peculiar, yet fascinating titles."

"Kanaya…"

"Twilight and Fifty Shades of Grey."

Rose really wanted to facepalm, but her current condition wouldn't allow that. However, a devious idea started forming in Rose's mind. Kanaya didn't know Rose read them for fun and out of irony and did not take them seriously, so the blonde witch was curious about how far her vampire girlfriend would go with those badly written ideas.

Some would say that this was a stupid, idea but Rose was hardly in distress. She had a myriad of spells memorized, some of them more than useful to escape any form of imprisonment or bondage than others. Also, Kanaya didn't have the guts to harm anyone she loved on purpose and with malicious intent. Anyone she loved, that was.

"Didn't such books also exist on Alternia?"

"Not like the ones you have," explained Kanaya. "No, yours are more… intense."

Rose had read some alternian romance novels Kanaya owned and she didn't know how a novel about an unhealthy relationship could be more intense than the story in which a rainbow drinker murdered an entire army of over 1000 seadwellers to make a house out of their horns for her low blooded lover.

Probably a difference in culture.

"But if you really like this kind of erotic behavior, I will try it out for you."

"Then begin," requested Rose in a courteous tone. "I am helpless before you, most fair and strong of all vampires. Do me as you please."

The drinker of rainbows was flustered and her cheeks turned jade.

"Then I will… Well…. I mean… Oh, my."

She looked clueless.

"I didn't think this through."

Rose suppressed a smirk. This was going to be good.

"That Grey dude who isn't grey did kind of suspicious things, like buying all sorts of stuff for Miss Steel."

 _Steele. Steel is a too cool_ _of a_ _name for that idiot,_ thought Rose.

"I can buy stuff for you against your will too," said Kanaya. "Yes, I will buy you… manga about that world full of magicans, with the red head and her many costumes and armors, the blonde one who summons beings and is a blatant excuse for way too much fanservice. The fairytale."

Rose knew what she meant. She wasn't interested in that series, a little bit too dumb for her taste, but she looked up an infamous scene that was more BDSM like than this one.

Also, with more nudity.

It looked good (in an erotic/BDSM sense), but it felt misplaced in that kind of story.

Kanaya took her Captchalogue deck "chastity" out of her Sylladex to look up if she had anything she needed for a shopping tour.

Mainly the set of keys she had to use to open the locks to her cards, she always had the key for the cards she needed in her pockets.

"This will only take 30 minutes, my love," promised Kanaya, giving Rose a kiss on the forehead. "Then I will torture you with giving you not-really-expensive manga as a gift."

Rose was left alone, bound on a pile of clothes.

She couldn't wait for what ridiculous ideas Kanaya might come up with later.

Until then, she would wonder if she would be able to get her tablet out of her own Sylladex to watch some videos, waiting for Kanaya to return.

* * *

 **godlessAdversary: "And so the BDSM adventures of Rose started."  
Chechtiel: "What will happen? Will Kanaya find an interesting bondage adventure for Rose or will it end all in a giant blunder?"  
godlessAdversary: "And will we get a contract for a pointless movie trilogy that isn't accurate, nor entertaining for sane fans of romantic movies?"  
** **Chechtiel: "Find out in Shade 2 of "Fifty Shades of Jade"!"  
** **godlessAdversary: P.S.: "If you are interested in my drawings (the thumbnail for this chapter is from me), they can be found on my DA account under the same Username as I have here."  
**


	2. All Hail the sole!

**Chechtiel: "Hello, welcome back to our unregularly scheduled parody."  
godlessAdversary: "We prepared more Bondage misadventures for Rose this Shade."  
Chechtiel: "We also tested all the bondage techniques used in this chapter on ourselves beforehand."  
godlessAdversary: "It took hours to get my ****writing** **partner out of his bondage."  
Chechtiel: "Greenhorns shouldn't attempt this without the help of a professional.  
Anyway, enjoy the Shade."**

 **This story was proof-read by** **MiyaWritesThings.** **We thank her for her hard work in ironing out our grammatical mistakes.  
**

* * *

 **Shade 2:** **All Hail the sole!  
**

* * *

 **Dream World (not a dream bubble)  
**

* * *

 _"Ms. Jade will see you now."_

 _"_ _Don't you mean Ms. Maryam?" Rose asked the blonde secretary_ _wearing_ _a really short skirt._

 _The secretary opened the door to reveal the office of the mysterious elite of dubious morals. Rose was intrigued once she saw the ominous chair directed at the crystal wall at the end of the room._

 _"_ _Glad you could make it here, Rose."_

 _"_ _Wait, you aren't…"_

 _"_ _You thought it was Kanaya Maryam, but it was me, Jade Harley!"  
_

* * *

 **Waking World  
Earth C  
**

* * *

"Oh Jegus, that was a weird dream… what am I wearing?"

Rose looked at her current attire, which was a French maid costume tailored to her exact measurements. Only one person knows how she fits in every side, and she is obviously ready for more kinky stuff after her last attempt. This is going to be fun.

"Good morning my dear." The jade-blood entered the bedroom, and is holding a box with contents Rose could barely imagine. "I hope you are in the mood for some early activities."

"Okay, I am the mood for you to fuc-"

"Oh no, my darling. This isn't how the _Grey_ , not _Gray,_ guy did it."

Rose closed her legs in disappointment.

"If I understand correctly, this is a powerplay thing where I have to use non-sexual methods to make you submissive to my capricious whims. Ah yes, this will work."

The sorceress supreme of Earth C would have groaned in annoyance, but this was not how she expressed disappointment. Instead she raised her chin, looked as neutral as possible, and said: "You know, my lovely master of the seam, there was more than just shackle your partner."

"I know, I read many fanfics on deviantArt about bondage as well," Kanaya told her friend.

"The most credible source for believable BDSM," Rose said in a tone sounding so straight, few would have noticed the maybe-to-subtle sarcasm. Rose herself was feeling something different, a bad feeling around her neck.

"Now, I want you to clean this room," ordered Kanaya in a commanding tone. "I will put a feather duster into your hands and then I will hold different objects from this room to the duster because you can't move. Some are rather heavy and you only have to move your hands around to dust the objects. Thinking about it now, this labor is more laborious to me than to you. Are you listening to me? Why is your face so blue? What are those choking…  
Oh my!"

Kanaya rushed over to Rose and shredded the bindings with her strength and rainboric claws, freeing her, and gave her time to breath. She rolled her onto her back, supporting her back with her hands.  
"Rose, are you alright?"

"My lungs feel the taste of fresh air again and I feel as though the grim reaper walked away from me. I guess I am alright."

Kanaya looked away in shame. Not a shame of incredible guilt, but noticeable enough.

"Don't worry, Kanaya, even if I would have choked, I doubt this would have counted as a heroic or a villainous death."

"But a most awkward one, O Sorceress Supreme."

"No doubt about that, but it can make for incredibly kinky fetish play if death is not a concern."

"I don't want to go too far," frowned Kanaya at the idea. "I don't think I am experienced enough."

 _But you have no problem changing my clothes in my sleep and forcing me into a hogtie as well,_ thought Rose, yet still more disappointed how non-sexual it was so far.

* * *

 **Intermission 1  
** **Somewhere else, but with scalemates.**

"Ladies and Gentledorks, we are here to judge the innocence of Mr. John Egbert," said Terezi to a scalemate that looked like Judge Trudy.

On the table of the accused party sat John, who was really feeling impatient with this charade.

"Terezi, when I said I wanted to roleplay I didn't mean—"

"Quiet, Mr. Egbert," interrupted the grinning troll girl. "This court will decide your sentence in an objective and unbiased manner."

"Jegus."

"Now, the court calls Mr. Fuzzy Rumpus as the first witness of the crime."

Terezi put a yellow scalemate on the interrogation chair and started to make an attempt at puppetry with it.

"Mr. Fuzzy Rumpus, is it true that Egderp drew a mustache on your face?"

" _It is true! That awful monster did this to me!_ "

Terezi was cackling like a maniac, and then she gave John a seductive smile and a grin.

"Why can't we just have rough hate-sex and try roleplaying any other time?"

"Quiet, you criminal buffoon!"

* * *

After the incident with the hogtie was resolved, Rose thought the situation was over.  
Almost dying didn't persuade her from stopping Kanaya. Some people would say that Rose was stupid for letting Kanaya continue with her interest in bondage without convincing her to try a more moderate tone.

Instead, Rose was lying in a hammock and reading Eridan's remake of "Harry Potter"—a more than interesting version in which Harry murders all werewolves (even Lupin) because they spread the curse of the werewolf on purpose, infecting as many people as possible (because, in the original text and confirmed by the author of the original books most of them just did that).

Not morally better, but more interesting.

He also had Harry and Severus Snape in a healthy Kismesissitude, which lead to a relationship better than the one in the actual books. Severus Snape had a lot in common with Sollux, including a lisp; Hogwarts was now on the ground of the ocean; and magic was, in truth, science fiction, among other things

She drank some of her tea, placed it on a stool beside her for easy access, and quickly realized it was spiked with drugs.

 _Thyme, mint and a trace of anesthesia. I should fall asleep in 3…._

And she fell asleep.

When she awoke, she had fewer clothes on than before. She was wearing a very revealing oriental outfit, like in those fictional stories about harems. A costume like the Spell Fencer outfits for the ladies in the game "Bravely Default", cloth veil, bare midriff, a loincloth covering her lower private areas, a belly top showing much cleavage, and golden rings around her wrists and ankles with little golden discs loosely attached to them.

She felt like the lover or slave of a powerful Sultana, who liked to place her stockinged feet onto a small elaborate altar of wood, surrounded by jade candles in jade.

Rose already had ideas of candle wax for waxing, leather sticks for hitting, or feathers for tickling. All beautiful tools to torment little feet and small toes.

The young magus tingled with anticipation of what was to would come.

As Kanaya finally entered, Rose's anticipation grew only greater as she saw that she was dressed like a shaman from one of the religion's of the Alternian jade caste. Several symbols in red were embroidered into her beautiful clothes, a large jade overcoat in jade, blue talismans hanging from her neck, and she wore a large mask in the form of a moth.

"I cometh to make my offering to ye, feet of a fair dame, I prithee let me stay dwell in thine blessing and take my paltry offerings of worship and love."

The magician was confused. She liked the old English speaking style, but where was the torment? Why the talk of worship?

Kanaya lit the candles around the altar and got onto her knees. "Lo, those fair and marvelous feet. Thy divinity is veritable."

She stretched her arms out and lay them down before Rose's feet, forehead touching the ground

"Glorious feet, I hail thee, please let me bathe in thy glory."

She was worshipping her feet, and she did it absolutely wrong.

* * *

 **Intermission 1.1  
** **Back at tHe CoUrT oF mIrAc- I mean Terezi's court**

"Okay Mr. Egbert, do you swear to tell the truth, and only the truth?"

"Do we really have to?"

Terezi looked at John with a pouty face that looked both cute and annoying. He couldn't say no to a face like that, and he also didn't want to continue seeing it. If he wasn't in a court, locked up by the judging stares of dozens of scalemates, he would headbutt her right now.

"Ugh, fine! I swear to tell the truth, and only the truth."

"Excellent! Now, I want to ask you an important question."

"Shoot."

"Would you like to wear panties?"

John's face flushed so many shades of red, this would become a different story.

"What?!"

"You swore to tell the truth, and only the truth!" shouted Terezi while approaching John's face to intimidate him.

"No! I wouldn't like to wear panties!"

"Would you like _me_ to wear _sexier_ panties?"

"Wha…"

Somewhere inside John's head the gears started grinding and the chaotic machinery of his imagination un-bottled some fantasies he didn't want to talk with his hate girlfriend. He had seen her wearing those obnoxious boxers with a dragon pattern, but the idea of her with…

"Answer the question, you moron!"

"Yes! I want to see you in something more feminine!"

Terezi gasped at John's statement and covered her mouth with her hands. It was at that moment that John knew HE FUCKED UP.

"You heard that, ladies and gentlemen?! Mr. Egbert isn't only a torturer of Scalemates, but he also is a chauvinistic pig!"

"C'mon! I am a femini-"

The judge (being controlled by Terezi's hands) smacked their hammer multiple times and interrupted the imaginary noise happening in the courtroom.

"Order! Order in the court! Mr. Egbert, in sight of recent events, this court sentences you to kiss my ass!"

"Gross!"

"Not mine, the judge's ass… Unless you want to…"

"Give me the Scalemate, and we can be over with this."

"I have a better idea."

"Wha-AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH?!"

Terezi had thrown some live lobsters at John and he was screaming for his life to the point of forgetting that he could turn into air and escape this prank.

"And just to be clear, I will take your suggestion into consideration, John."

Yep, that wink behind her red glasses was both hot and annoying.

* * *

 **godlessAdversary: "Shade 2 is closed and Rose is still not happy."  
Chechtiel: "Will it be different in Shade 3?"  
godlessAdversary: "It could be but most likely not."  
Chechtiel: "I hope you had fun. We wish you a good night and see you hopefully next time."**

 **P.S.: Comparing AIDS to the Werewolf curse is idiotic and is RIDDLED with unfortunate implications.**


	3. Boris Karloff not included

**godlessAdversary: "I am so sorry for all the time we take to write these chapters. I am busy with college, and my writing partner has been brainwashing orcs."**

 **Chechtiel: "I would prefer another form of recruitment but that isn't possible in the main game of "Shadow of War".**

 **godlessAdversary: "Big Boss was able to charm anyone into working for him."**

 **Chechtiel: "Yes, Big Boss from "Metal Gear" was great. Anyway, enjoy this newest chapter."**

 **godlessAdversary: "Prepare for mummification!"  
**

* * *

 **Shade 3: Boris Karloff not included  
**

* * *

Not everyone awoke to find themselves in the process of being bandaged in their own bed, especially if there are no injuries to treat.

Rose was not all that worried by this because the perpetrator was Kanaya, the most powerful chainsaw warrior on the planet.

This time, she was naked, and Rose had a nervous but also exciting feeling in her belly.

It looked for Rose like Kanaya was doing it right this time. Wrapping her up like a mummy, to do with her as she pleases.

Though she wondered how Kanaya would stimulate her sexually later. It would be difficult to do it through the bandages, but not impossible.

"I, Pharaoh Kanses III, judge you to eternal life in one of my expensive triangle shaped graves."

 _The roleplaying part was going nicely,_ Rose thought. She had even dressed like a pharaoh, including a crown resembling the one one of the Pharaohs once wore. The Pschent. But this one was red, with symbols of the Signless in grey on the red part of the crown and the white part was another moth, like Kanaya's Mothergrub Lusus.

Which decided to fly into this room in this very moment.

And Rose's mom was on her back.

"MOM! STEP-LUSUS!"

The Lusus looked surprised and ashamed while the human looked very happy and waved to her daughter, not really noticing what was happening.

"Would you please be so courteous and leave the room?" asked Kanaya calmly but with a hint of annoyance in her voice.

Mothergrub wanted to do exactly that, but Ms. LaLonde, who was pretty drunk, wanted to go over to her daughter and give her a hug. She jumped from the moth that, in turn, grabbed her in the air. Mrs. LaLonde wanted to let go, but the Moth just carried her out of the room, ignoring her drunken complaints.

"Did this ruin your mood, Rose?"

"No, my mother flying into the room on the back of your Mom-Lusus only increased my sexual desires."

"You know, it is tradition that the Lusus watches their charge during their sexual intercourses. We should call them back."

Rose's eyes grew wide. "Are you for real?"

"If you think that a joke is meant to be taken serious, then yes."

Rose could have kicked her love in the face for this joke. It infuriated her to have fallen for such an obvious trick.

* * *

 **Intermission 3**

In a very fancy office previously owned by a sociopath, and now being decorated by Tagora Gorjek, even though he is canonically dead.

"Greetings, readers of AO3. This is your space goddess and Scientist Supreme, Jade Harley. As you may have noticed, Mom Lalonde and Kanaya's lusus are alive and living in close proximity to the Lalonde-Maryams. 'How is that possible?' you may be asking."

"Ms. Harley, the crystal chandelier is ready to be installed."

"Not now, Gorjek! I am doing an exposition dump!"

The teal blood continued writing the costs of his services while two Carapacian workers were trying not to break the chandelier.

"Anyway, to explain this situation, we have to remember that three of our gods have powers that can bend reality to a way that makes sense. First, we have Roxy, who can create objects from the void by stealing the emptiness. She created a Mother Grub egg like the one Kanaya lost."

"Objects from the void? That is like a good business opportunity." Tagora started making doodles of himself with an Once-ler suit.

"Then, we have Jane, who can bring the dead back to life, but with limited uses per person. Thanks to her, Earth C has a blooming environment that is in better conditions than in previous versions of Earth."

Jade took a remote control and used it to activate a big screen that lowered behind her. In it appeared different ecosystems around the planet, including an Alternian "death forest", a Carapacian grassland for pony raising, and a beach resembling Rose's Land before she caused mayhem there.

"I know the Troll King Karkat felt nostalgic for our old home world," Tagora pondered. "But was it necessary to recreate a literal 'death forest'?"

"Trust me, I don't know why he likes some stuff. Back to the main topic: Our third god who helped to bring back our guardians from the afterlife was my brother, John Egbert. As we all know by now, he has the power to retcon the narrative, which means he can make changes in reality without creating doomed timelines, and can even transport people and objects with him."

"Doesn't that make the story more confusing?"

"He travelled to the past with Jane and Roxy and revived our guardians moments after they died, as a way to avoid ruining the continuity of our own story. I really feel sad for John. He had to watch everything happen again."

"Wait, what are those Carapaci-No! Not the chandelieEEEEEHHHH!"

"Are you okay, Tagora?"

"It was imported from New France!"

"I was talking about your well-being."

Tagora saw his broken leg and started making notes about the cost of the hospital. "These red numbers are worrisome."

"Jegus." Jade sighed and returned to her formal position as a powerful CEO. "To finalize our explanation, John, Jane and Roxy only revived the guardians that we wanted back, but not the ones we didn't want to see because they only caused suffering on their children. Dave and Vriska were clear that they didn't want to see Bro and Spidermom again, and I understand why."

"Hey, what about the other gods? The ones that were dead."

"Aren't you going to ask for an ambulance?"

"You humans and your universal healthcare."

"Okay, we have to wrap things up before my decorator passes out. The trolls asked our friends to revive their friends, their friends asked to revive their lusi and dancestors, and at some point, we also ended up deciding to revive random people from our worlds. Seriously, I had a tea party with Noelle Stevenson, Yalitza Aparicio and troll Emma Stone."

"MoOoneEey…"

"Now that this subject has been clarified, I have a question myself. Why is this story called 'Fifty Shades of Jade'? The story isn't about me, it's about Rose and Kanaya experimenting with different kinks that Kanaya misinterprets. For the love of the Genesis Frog, I went on an adventure last week with Roxy and Calliope to a grimdark world and they helped meinspire friendship and courage to the people there. Why wasn't that story written instead?!"

Jade rose up from her chair and took the unconscious troll from the floor, put him and her shoulders and teleported away, leaving two Carapacians confused.

* * *

Rose sat mummified in a corner and waited for the return of her red quadrant partner.

After the mummification was finished and both had regained the mood after the quick visit of her parents, Kanaya finished the mummification, swung Rose over her shoulder and transported her through their shared home for a few hours.

Being transported like that, like a helpless Damsel in distress, was very exhilarating and exciting at first, but without a clear goal from Kanaya, it became pretty boring and rather annoying. It also lacked pats on her butt and clever lines on Rose's part to tease Kanaya.

The jade-blood finally returned after a few more minutes, still dressed like a pharaoh.

"My apologizes my mummy, I had to find something to increase the Pharaoh's curse."

This made Rose perk up. Only her eyes and ears were still visible and she looked up to her lover with expectancy in her eyes. "Mhat hhhofe thhhuuu fu mhe?"

Kanaya got a DVD case out of her Sylladex. It was the movie "The Mummy", the 2017 Version with Tom Cruise.

"My diamond Karkat told me that this movie was pure torture. I think you may dislike it as well, my beautiful mummified concubine."

Rose rolled with her eyes so hard, they almost twisted out of her sockets. She appreciated the irony, but this wasn't the kind of torture she had in mind.

"HMMMMPF!"

"I will carry you to the living room and then we can watch the movie."

"MHOOOOOOOO!" screamed Rose as Kanaya slung her over the shoulder again and carried her towards a terrible movie night.

* * *

"Sup sister, you look terrible."

In an adorable little café owned by one of the consorts sat Rose with Dave and his Matesprit Karkat, and she looked like she hadn't been sleeping for several hours and instead fought with a pack of angry raccoons.

"The moirail of your boyfriend forced me to watch "The Mummy" with Tom Cruise."

"Was it at least the edited version from Dirk where the entire movie had mismatched audio?" asked Dave.

"Sadly no, it was the original, edit even if that movie wasn't very original."

"Just a pile of burning shit," commented Karkat. "Why did those dick-doofuses from Universal think that people wanted to see several analtastic awful movies?"

"MCU," Rose responded. "Everyone wants to have their own MCU."

"What's next, O Sorceress Supreme?" asked Karkat sarcastically. "Are you okay with what Kanaya is doing to you?"

"Why didn't ya just tear the bandages apart with your magic and dashed away?" Dave wanted to know.

"Because I hoped the torture of that movie would be worth something," explained Rose and yawned. "I was entertainingly wrong. To be honest, the movie was fascinatingly terrible. I just look so terrible because it got very hot with so much of my skin being covered by bandages for such a long time."

"No wonder mummies look and act so cranky," said Karkat, taking a sip from his over-decorated drink through a blood-red straw. "You have to talk about this with Kanaya or something bad might happen. These stupid bondage experiments could end with you either badly injured or dead."

"I doubt it would count as either heroic or villainous if I died like that," countered Rose. "Also, I have everything under control, I am the sorceress supreme of this world, after all."

"Illegal downloading media from an alternate universe where no bunch of idiots played an idiotic game gave us a lot of good entertainment," reported Karkat. "But also a lot of stupid stuff."

"I don't have to play another game about a biker who wants revenge. It was just terrible." said Dave.

"Fuck this biker shit," said Karkat. "What is so cool about that anyway?"

"I could show it to you Karkles if you'd like to be a Biker Babe for a few days."

"Sounds fucking degrading."

"Apropo's degrading," interjected Rose. "Can you, as Kanaya's moirail, talk with her about bondage? I don't know how to explain the problem with her."

"No fucking way!" rejected Karkat. "She may even want to try it on me, and I have no desire to go into platonic BDSM like the Shipy-Cat and the Horse-Fucker."

Rose raised her eyes in surprise. "There is bondage for moirails?"

Karkat nodded. "It is the ultimate proof of a Moirallegiance if you are allowed to bind your partner. Also, it helps to keep them from doing REALLY stupid stuff if they refuse to listen to any form of reason."

Rose considered the possibility of Kanaya covering Karkat's mouth with tape and tying his hands while being motherly to him, when suddenly her alternate universe mother/sister entered the locale and waved at her.

"Yo, my dudes!" said Roxy before sitting next to Rose. "What did I miss?"

"The American Revolution," answered Dave.

"Your dancestor is in a twisted game of bondage with my moirail." answered Karkat more accurately.

"Oh, tell me the details, sis."

"I have been tied with ropes, almost hogtied to death because of lack of air, got drugged so I would wake up as a genie with my feet being literally worshipped and mummified. Again, as I explained to my brother and his boyfriend, I am in total control of the situation."

Roxy was speechless for a moment.

"Damn, I haven't heard this amount of lewdness since Callie started sharing some of her personal fics with me. That girl is like a 90s porn writer."

"What do you think Maryam would try to do with you next, sister?" Dave asked.

"I have prepared myself in case of another drugging scenario and even warned Kanaya about not doing something that violates my autonomy as a person. Otherwise, I will receive any surprise with open arms. I just wish she would fu-"

"Forgive the intrusion Supreme Sorceress." said a Salamander waiter/waitress? "Would you want to order something?"

"I will order the tea."

"Tea." said Karkat.

"Tea." said Roxy.

"Coke." said Dave without guilt.

The salamander wrote down the orders and ran to the kitchen. Everyone else was looking at Dave.

"Don't look at me like that. We all know there's only one type of tea here, and it's as generic as the perfectly generic objects."

"But don't say it in front of the consorts, you insensitive asshole!" yelled Karkat.

A turtle carapacian next to Dave was crying.

* * *

 **Intermission 4**

"Wow, the writers of this story must have a bunch of free time." Jade summoned a cup of tea and sipped it. "Hmm, it really is generic."

"Ms. Harley, aren't you going to do an exposition dump?" asked Tagora, who was in a wheelchair and counting his losses after his visit to the hospital.

"In a moment, Gorjek!" Jade sipped her tea once more. "Okay, here we go. As you can see dear readers, one important element of BDSM is consent, which is something that must always be agreed on by the involved parties. Rose is only allowing Kanaya to get away with some controversial stuff because she is in control and has previously given her consent. However, in real life, people should always ask first and not imitate some of the behaviors of our beloved vampire lady."

Jade stood up from her chair and walked to a dark corner of her room. She then lightened up the room and revealed the two Ampora trolls tied, with taped mouths and some violet markings from slaps to their faces.

"However, sometimes you have to do some SHADY stuff to get things done, and really bad people deserve a beating without consent. These two have been harassing some of my friends, and that isn't cool."

Jade took the tape off Eridan's mouth

"C'mon!" shouted Ampora. "I am no longer harassing Feferi!"

Jade slapped him.

"But you are still annoying everyone else!"

Jade then did the same to Cronus.

"Oh yes!" said Cronus. "Hit me more, baby!"

"You are weird!"

Jade knew she couldn't physically torture someone so kinky, so she took extreme measures.

"Gorjek!"

The teal blood rolled in and brought a copy of Ahab's Crosshairs.

"Is that my gun?" said the Ampora's in unison.

"Not anymore." said Jade before she broke it with her knees.

The legendary gun being broken like a toy felt like something in the souls of the Amporas broke.

"Oops, I broke your toy."

"You monster!" screamed Eridan.

Jade teleported a bodypillow with the image of Porrim to her hands. Cronus looked terrified.

"This must have cost a lot of money. Gorjek!"

The teal blood took out a lighter and set the body pillow on flames.

"Noooooooooooo!"

"We are going to have so much fun!"

Jade teleported a book with drawings of Feferi and Vriska to her hands. She was smiling devilishly. This is the start of something scary.

hr/hr

Rose sat mummified in a corner and waited for the return of her red quadrant partner.

After the mummification was finished and both had regained the mood after the quick visit of her parents, Kanaya finished the mummification, swung Rose over her shoulder and transported her through their shared home for a few hours.

Being transported like that, like a helpless Damsel in distress was very exhilarating and exciting at first but without a clear goal from Kanaya it became pretty boring and rather annoying. It also lacked pats on her butt and clever lines on Rose's part to tease Kanaya.

The jade-blood finally returned after a few more minutes, still dressed like a pharaoh.

"My apologizes my mummy, I had to find something to increase the Pharaoh's curse."

This let Rose perk up. Only her eyes and ears were still visible and she looked with expectancy in her eyes up to her lover. "Mhat hhhofe thhhuuu fu mhe?"

Kanaya produced a DVD case out of her Sylladex. It was the movie "The Mummy", the 2017 Version with Tom Cruise.

"My diamond Karkat told me that this movie was pure torture. I think you may dislike it as well my beautiful mummified concubine."

Rose rolled with her eyes so hard they almost twisted out of her sockets. She appreciated the irony but this wasn't the kind of torture she had in mind.

"HMMMMPF!"

"I will carry you to the living room and then we can watch the movie."

"MHOOOOOOOO!" screamed Rose as Kanaya slung her over the shoulder again and carried her towards a terrible movie night.

* * *

" **Sup sister, you look terrible."**

 **In an adorable little café owned by one of the consorts sat Rose with Dave and his Matesprit Karkat and she looked like she hadn't been sleeping for several hours and instead fought with a pack of angry raccoons.**

" **The moirail of your boyfriend forced me to watch "The Mummy" with Tom Cruise."**

" **Was it at least the edited version from Dirk where the entire movie had mismatched audio?" asked Dave."**

" **Sadly no, it was the original edit even if that movie wasn't very original."**

" **Just a pile of burning shit," commented Karkat. "Why did those dick-doofuses from Universal thought that people wanted to see several of such analtastic awful movies?"**

" **MCU," Rose responded. "Everyone wants to have their own MCU."**

" **What next o Sorceress Supreme," asked Karkat sarcastically. "Are you okay with** **what** **Kanaya is doing this to you?"**

" **Why didn't ya just tear the bandages apart with your magic and dashed away?", wanted Dave to know.**

" **Because I hoped the torture of that movie would be worth something," explained Rose and yawned. "I was entertainingly wrong. To be honest the movie was fascinatingly terrible, I just look so terrible because it got very hot with so much of my skin being covered by bandages for such a long time."**

" **No wonder mummies look and act so cranky," said Karkat and took a sip from his over-decorated drink through a blood-red straw. "You have to talk about this with Kanaya or something bad might happen. These stupid bondage experiments could end with you either badly injured or dead."**

" **I doubt it would count as either heroic or villainous if I die like that," countered Rose. "Also I have everything under control, I am the sorceress supreme of this world after all."**

" **Illegal downloading media from an alternate universe where no bunch of idiots played a** **n** **idiotic game gave us a lot of good entertainment," reported Karkat. "But also a lot of stupid stuff."**

" **I don't have to play another game about a biker who wants revenge. It was just terrible."** **, said Dave.**

" **Fuck this biking shit," said Karkat. "What is so cool about that anyway?"**

" **I could show it to you Karkles if you like to be a Biker Babe for a few days."**

" **Sounds fucking degrading."**

" **Apropos degrading:", interjected Rose. "Can you as Kanaya's moirail talk with her about bondage? I don't know how to explain the problem with her."**

" **No fucking way!" rejected Karkat. "She may even want to try it on me and I have no desire to go into platonic BDSM like the Shipy-Cat and the Horse-Fucker."**

 **Rose raised her eyes in surprise. "There is bondage for moirails?"**

 **Karkat nodded. "It is the ultimate proof of a Moirallegiance if you are allowed to bind your partner. Also it helps to keep them from doing REALLY stupid stuff if they refuse to listen to any form of reason."**

 **Rose considered t** **he** **possibility of Kanaya covering Karkat's mouth with tape and tying his hands while being motherly to him, when suddenly her alternate universe mother/sister entered the locale and waved at** **her** **.**

" **Yo, my dudes!" said Roxy before sitting next to Rose. "What did I miss?"**

" **The American Revolution** **.** **" answered Dave.**

" **Your dancestor is in a twisted game of bondage with my moirail." answered Karkat more accurately.**

" **Oh, tell me the details, sis."**

" **I have been tied with ropes, almost hogtied to death because of lack of air, got drugged so I would wake up as a genie with my feet being literally worshipped, and mummified. Again, as I explained to my brother and his boyfriend, I am in control of the situation."**

 **Roxy was speechless for a moment.**

" **Damn, I haven't heard this amount of lewdness since Callie started sharing some of her personal fics with me. That girl is like a 90s porn writer."**

" **What do you think Maryam would try to do with you next, sister?" Dave asked.**

" **I have prepared myself in case of another drugging scenario and even warned Kanaya about not doing something that violates my autonomy as a person. Otherwise, I will receive any surprise with open arms. I just wish she would fu-"**

" **Forgive the intrusion Supreme Sorceress." said a Salamander waiter/waitress?. "Would you want to order something?"**

" **I will order the tea."**

" **Tea." said Karkat.**

" **Tea." said Roxy.**

" **Coke." said Dave without guilt.**

 **The salamander wrote down the orders and ran to the kitchen. Everyone else was looking at Dave.**

" **Don't look at me like that. We all know there's only one type of tea here, and it's as generic as the perfectly generic objects."**

" **But don't say it in front of the consorts, you insensitive asshole!" yelled Karkat.**

 **A turtle carapacian next to Dave was crying.**

* * *

 **Intermission 4**

"Wow, the writers of this story must have a bunch of free time." Jade summoned a cup of tea and sipped it. "Hmm, it really is generic."

"Ms. Harley, aren't you going to do an exposition?" asked Tagora, who was in a wheelchair counting his losses after his visit to the hospital.

"In a moment, Gorjek!" Jade sipped her tea once more. "Okay, here we go. As you can see dear readers, one important element of BDSM is consent, which is something that must always be agreed on by the involved parties. Rose is only allowing Kanaya to get away with some controversial stuff because she is in control and has given her consent previously. However, in real life people should always ask first and not imitate some of the behaviors of our beloved vampire lady."

Jade stood up from her chair and walked to a darkened corner of her room. She then lightened up the room and revealed the two Ampora trolls tied, with taped mouths and some violet markings from slaps to their faces.

"However, sometimes you have to do some SHADY stuff to get things done, and really bad people deserve a beating without consent. These two have been harassing some of my friends, and that isn't cool."

Jade took off the tape from Eridan's mouth

"C'mon!" shouted Ampora. "I am no longer harassing Feferi!"

Jade slapped him.

"But you are still annoying everyone else!"

Jade then did the same with Cronus.

"Oh yes!" said Cronus. "Hit me more, baby!"

"You are weird!"

Jade knew she couldn't physically torture someone so Kinky, so she took extreme measures.

"Gorjek!"

The teal blood rolled in and brought a copy of Ahab's Crosshairs.

"Is that my gun?" said the Ampora's in unison.

"Not anymore." said Jade before she broke it with her knees.

The legendary gun being broken like a toy felt like something in the souls of the Ampora's broke.

"Oops, I broke your toy."

"You monster!" screamed Eridan.

Jade teleported into her hands a bodypillow with the image of Porrim. Cronus looked terrified.

"This must have costed a lot of money. Gorjek!"

The teal blood took out a lighter and set the body pillow on flames.

"Noooooooooooo!"

"We are going to have so much fun!"

Jade teleported a book with drawings of Feferi and Vriska into her hands. She was smiling devilishly. This is the start of something scary. **  
**

* * *

 **Chechtiel: "Who writes this bullcrap?"**

 **godlessAdversary: "We do."**

 **Chechtiel: "What? No, I mean this script of the movie "Lady in the Water"."**

 **godlessAdversary: "I don't need no kid reading my future from cereals."**

 **Chechtiel: "Anyway my dear readers, we hope you enjoyed this chapter as well."**

 **godlessAdversary: "Return next time when Kanaya bondage experiments get bolder."**


	4. Suitcase Situation

**Chechtiel: "TERROR! FEAR! DESPAIR!  
godlessAdversary: "Did you just watched news about politics?"  
Chechtiel: "That was a cheap joke."  
godlessAdversary: "What are you actually talking about?"  
Chechtiel: "Because somebody will be in terror, fear and despair in this chapter and thinks others should be as well."  
godlessAdversary: "Helen Lovejoy?"  
Chechtiel: "That joke was better, at least for anyone who ever saw the Simpsons."  
godlessAdversary: "Anyway: Enjoy Shade 4.  
**

* * *

 **Shade 4: Suitcase Situation  
**

* * *

Rose awoke in complete darkness. A cramped darkness. A darkness that felt like somebody was taking a flight. She tried to move to figure out which parts of her body Kanaya had shackled this time. Her ankles were tied together with some rope and her lower legs were bound together with tape while her upper legs were bound with even more tape. Her arms were vertically positioned on her back, bound together with several rounds of rope while she was also gagged with a sponge and a handkerchief.

By the way: She was naked. Once again.

She was wearing nothing on her body, aside from the red ring of Matespritship, a symbol that her red quadrant was filled.

 _iYou_ _'re_ _get_ _ting_ _more creative Kanaya_ _,_ _or at least more scary./i_

Rose concentrated hard and a little flame appeared before her face, hovering in the air.

 _iI still have my magic, I can escape at any time./i_

She now registered that she was being moved and transported to some location. She wondered where she would land and what was in store for her.

A paradise island where she would have to run around naked?

A dungeon?

A supermarket where she would be forced into an "embarrassed nude female" situation?

The later one could get her and Kanaya in trouble with the law and she wasn't in the mood to deal with Terezi as a prosecutor.

She prepared herself for any sort of surprise location she would be let out in.

As the suitcase was finally opened, she raised up to see a lot of little children. Kindergarteners to be exact. They didn't stare in shock or disgust but rather in surprised curiosity at the naked mage in the suitcase.

Meanwhile the kindergarten teacher was freaking out.

"PERVERTED! SCANDALOUS! OUTRAGEOUS! UNCIVILIZED! THINK OF THE CHILDREN!"

Rose looked at the little kids who didn't seem to mind what was happening. One scratched his nose, another asked why there was a naked goddess sitting in this suitcase and another if she created thunder, rain and chocolate.

The kindergarten teacher meanwhile was only running around, screaming hysterically how a naked and bound woman would corrupt the children and whatnot instead of helping Rose and giving her something to wear.

At this point, it should be noted that the human Sburb players also wanted to revive some hardcore conservatives to have clowns to laugh at.

* * *

At a fancy four star hotel, Kanaya was resting on a bed while wearing a pink bathrobe and her face was covered in a cream that she didn't know if it worked and probably didn't need because of her beautiful rainbow drinker face. She was waiting for her suitcase, and it was taking some time. She got anxious and called her handyman through her phone.

"Equius, what is taking you so long?"

"I already delivered the requested suitcase, Mrs. Maryam-Lalonde."

"Equius, I don't see any suitcase here. Are you sure you delivered it to the right address?"

"Of course. I delivered it to Sunny Days Institution, a nice pre-school in the human kingdom."

Kanaya facepalmed and tried not to crush the phone with the same restrain Equius had.

"I said Sunny Day Inn, a hotel in the human kingdom."

"Oh."

"Equius, you just delivered my naked and unconscious matesprit to a school with children."

"She was unconscious? I thought she was just roleplaying."

Kanaya felt like a migraine was forming in her head.

"I have to go deal with this before Rose and I get into more trouble with that school and the parents of the kids."

* * *

"I am really REALLY sorry for what I did!" Kanaya said to the school principal, Mrs. Allende, while holding a decorated apology basket that contained three boxes of chocolate and a stuffed salamander.

Rose was sitting next to her matesprit/wife and was annoyed that their non-sexual BDSM resulted in them getting in problems with a school.

"Mrs. Maryam-Lalonde and Mrs. Lalonde-Maryam, I know this is a misunderstanding, and that we are the only school in the district with a conservative teacher that would make a scandal on social media, but we can't turn a blind eye, even if you two are goddesses of our universe. Some parents aren't happy that the role model of some of their kids appeared in a compromised position in a classroom."

"Oh, then do I have to make more apology baskets?" Kanaya smiled nervously.

"The parents would appreciate that, but as I said, disciplinary action has to be taken."

"I have an idea." said Rose with a smile.

* * *

"Hello, I am Kanaya Maryam-Lalonde."

Kanaya talked through a microphone on a podium in front of a public crowd consisting of parents, their kids and the teachers. "I want to apologize for sending my Matesprit to this institution in a compromising position. It was a pretty terrible accident that could have been avoided if a certain blue blood-"

"Ahem!" Rose, who was next to Kanaya, made a "don't finish that sentence" gesture.

"Back to my apology. As an act of charity to the students of Sunny Days, my Matesprit and I will donate a book collection to your library, and we will contribute to the baking sale of this year. Also, everyone will get an apology basket."

A carapacian appeared, pushing a table that had over dozens of baskets. That morning, Rose and Kanaya had to sign many autographs on stuffed consort dolls for both the kids and the adults. The adults were understanding people that knew it was an accident, and many were followers of the gods; the kids on the other hand didn't understand what had happened, but they liked receiving toys and chocolate. The only one that wasn't having fun was the conservative teacher.

"LESBIANS! CORRUPTION! PROPAGANDA! XENOPHILIA!"

"She is like a comedy show." said Mrs. Allende to Rose and Kanaya.

* * *

Back at the home base of the magician and the seamstress, the atmosphere was awkward.

Rose was not angry at Kanaya, not even disappointed, but more baffled over the entire situation.

Until now, everything had happened in private, but that changed now, even if it wasn't on purpose.

Rose did not really fear the tabloid press, but the increase of jokes they would get to hear from their friends from now on was another story.

Kanaya was making dinner for the both of them and felt like giving up on her bondage dreams. None of them had really worked out so far and after the last incident, she doubted she could even get any amusement out of Rose's annoyances.

If she wanted to do anything, it had to be here, in their home, but there was not much she would like to do.

Except…

A smile formed on her lips.

"Kanaya, how long until dinner is ready?"

"Any second now… And tomorrow's breakfast will be unforgettable!"

"I should ask, but as long as it stays in these four walls, I will give you free range."

"I promise, Rose!" shouted the Alternian vampire enthusiastically. "I promise you a lot…"

* * *

As Rose awoke the next morning, she was naked but that wasn't a surprise, since she and Kanaya cuddled in sleep in their Eva costumes.

What was a surprise was that Rose sat in an oversized bowl filled with honey.

"I heard of honey-traps, but this is ridiculous."

"This is not a trap, my sorceress supreme. This honey is on your body to refine the taste."

Rose looked to the source of the voice, quickly spotting Kanaya. She was dressed like a chef, with the classic white hat and white long-sleeved shirt, and to show a little silliness, she also wore a pumpkin apron.

"I hope you don't plan to criticize my abilities as a cook now."

"I am not cosplaying as Chef Ramsay," assured Kanaya to her wife. "But I am playing the role of a cannibal now."

"You want food play?"

"No, Vore."

Rose was absolutely silent for several seconds. "Come again?"

"I will swallow you, whole and alive," explained Kanaya chirpy while doing a little dance in anticipation. "I will keep you in my belly before regurgitating you later."

Rose gave her blood-red quadrant an arrogant but also sarcastic look. "Why not get me out through the traditional exit?"

"Next time, I don't have enough lubricant for my bottom at the moment."

Rose was not very worried about this. She still had her magic and she was also sure that Kanaya would never kill her on purpose. But there was one nagging question.

"How will you get your stomach to stop from digesting me?"

"I got a drug from Doctor Yamato to stop the digesting juices for a few hours. I will have you regurgitated long before my stomach starts to work again."

Rose was still surprised that she took this so calmly. This time it was not some kinky bondage play, but a fetishized form of cannibalism. It wouldn't harm her, but this was a whole new level of "creative".

"Now, my Sorceress Supreme. I shall devour you."

Kanaya opened her mouth as far as she could but not wide enough to get Rose's head into it. Rose noticed how she was struggling to spread her mouth even further.

"Kanaya, can you actually spread your mouth wide enough for this?"

Kanaya continued to open her mouth, but it didn't spread any wider despite all her effort. She tried it harder and harder, her face displaying signs of visible strain now.

"Kanaya, would you please stop this? You will tear your mouth apart if you try to widen it even further and then-"

There was something that sounded like a door dislocating from its hinges by accident, but it sounded very wooden, more like a wooden screw unscrewed itself from a very delicate hole while a tightening sound was also heard.

"Did you dislocate your jawbone, and also received a trismus?"

Kanaya nodded.

"I'll call Doctor Yamato."

* * *

"Ssso, let me get me thiss sstraight," Said Doctor Fjodor Yamato while bandaging Kanaya's head. "You actually tried to Vore your matessprit?"

Kanaya did El Chavo's famous finger gesture and nodded with her right index finger. Rose, on the other hand, was facepalming over how ridiculous this situation was.

"I thought she was going to hire Jade to increase her own size," said Rose. "But I guess Kanaya's role as Sylph of Space doesn't mean she understands the properties of physical space."

"I alsso thought she was joking when sshe assked for medicccine to sstop her digessstion. I thought sshe only had heartburn and needed some antacidss to reduce her accid levelsss."

"What?! You mean I could have died if she ate me?!"

"I am a medical professssional! DO NO HARM!" Screamed the Jade blooded doctor.

Kanaya made a sad sound to express the pain in her jaw.

"Sseriously, before my ssssquadron and I were resscued from my timeline, I ssaw many horrible and sstupid thingss in Alternia and other alien planetss, but thisss issss the crown of abssurdity."

Kanaya frowned at the words of the doctor.

"Will she heal, Dr. Yamato?"

"Of coursse. Your Matessprit isss a Rainbow Drinker, so sshe will heal fassst asss long ass she doessn't try another mouth related fetish. Ssseriously! Do you ladies have any idea how many trollss come here after trying ssomething sstupid with their matesspritss?! There wass one olive blood and her human matesprit and they…"

Rose wasn't in the mood for an uncomfortable medical anecdote, and Kanaya was trying not to laugh because of the pain. Kanaya was also getting future ideas from this story.

* * *

"Hmmm…" thought Jade Harley deeply outloud while her feet rested on her fancy desk. "Should I use my powers to be a giant woman again?"

"What?" asked Tagora Gorjek while doing some accounting.

"I mean, I could be so big and dominant in a relationship. A big woman four meters tall and with giant..."

Tagora typed fast to ignore his boss' lewd comments while being more flustered than with his kismesis.

"Yeah, that could work. _All I wanna do is to see you turn into a giant woman…_ "

* * *

"Okay Kanaya, according to Dr. Yamato, you should be able to eat solids in a week or two." Rose took out some fruits from the refrigerator. "So would you like a smoothie?"

Kanaya nodded with her finger since she can't move her head too much. Rose wanted to make a joke about El Chavo, but was worried that Kanaya would get the idea of putting Rose in a wooden barrel and transport her to a Vecindad. Rose would ask John later if he brought El Chavo and his friends from their canon to Earth C too.

"You know, Kanaya, I have been thinking. We could go to a spa once you recover. A bit of relaxation and not stressful kinky situati-"

Kanaya, who was wearing a famous funny hat over her bandaged head, was already carrying a big wooden barrel and tip toeing close to Rose. The Jadeblood saw the glaring eyes of matesprit and lowered the barrel down.

"No surprise BDSM events until you recover, young lady. Now, we are going to drink our smoothies and watch some TV tonight as civilized puritan middle aged lesbians.*

Rose and Kanaya sat on the couch of their home/hive and were watching Earth C's Univision while Rose caressed Kanaya's head in a romantic red way and not a romantic pale way that would make Karkat accuse Rose of being a homewrecker.

"Noticias de último minuto. (Breaking news.)" said a news reporter in Spanish. "Hay una mujer gigante casi desnuda en la cima del edificio de la compañía Jade House, y se cree que se parece a la diosa y CEO Jade Harley. (There's a giant almost naked woman at the top of the Jade House Company Headquarters building, and it's believed that she looks like the goddess and CEO Jade Harley.)"

Rose and Kanaya were surprised by that news, and even Kanaya felt a big pain of instinctively opening her mouth in awe. The news reporter was now interviewing a teal blooded troll that the readers would recognize as Tagora Gorjek.

"I told her it was a bad idea! The costs of repairing the roof will be higher than her BDSM dungeon!"

"¿Acaso dijo calabozo BDSM? (Did you just say BDSM dungeon?)"

"Tacos burritos quesadillas tienen queso, f-fin de la entrevista! (Tacos burritos quesadillas have cheese i-interview over!)"

Rose and Kanaya were speechless. Well, Kanaya was already speechless, but she was now just not making any movement with her vocal cords.

"And now, El Chavo del Ocho!"

Rose was humming the theme show of El Chavo, but stopped once she saw Kanaya holding the wooden barrel over her and wearing the ridiculous hat again.

"Hazlo de una vez, Bebedora de Arcoíris lujuriosa. (Do it already, you lusty Rainbow Drinker.)" said Rose with a sigh of defeat and a small smile.

Kanaya contained Rose inside the barrel, but had previously made a hole so Rose would watch El Chavo with her. Both were happy doing this.

* * *

 **Chechtiel: "Moral Guardians. Annoying when they have power but amusing then they only can flail incompetently."  
godlessAdversary: "Also even if a fetish sounds fun they should always be planned out in advance, especially the more elaborate ones."  
Chechtiel: "Doctor Fjodor Yamato is my OC, a troll I created."  
godlessAdversary: "We used him here because there was no canon troll or canon human who could work as a regular physician."  
Chechtiel: "I hope you liked this Shade and my OC as well."  
godlessAdversary: "Until we meet again in Shade 5."**


	5. Chocolate of Suffocation

**Chechtiel: "Welcome to another chapter of… What are you doing, godless?"**

 **godlessAdversary: "I am trying to summon a Persona by facing my inner shadow."**

 **Chechtiel: "I don't think that will-"**

 **godlessAdversary: "PERSONA!"**

 **Chechtiel: "Is that who I think it is?"**

 **godlessAdversary: "HAMILTON!"**

 **Chechtiel: "Okay… Well, in this new chapter we are going to see a lot of crazy stuff happen that-"**

 **godlessAdversary: "HAMILTON, USE ONE-SHOT KILL!"**

 **Chechtiel: "You idiot! You destroyed our recording studio!"**

 **godlessAdversary: "Sorry."  
**

* * *

 **Shade 5: Chocolate of Suffocation  
**

* * *

"Nepeta, we have tooooooo…"

Feferi just had entered the door to Nepeta's new hive, which she hadn't locked, because the Troll Kingdom on Earth C wasn't a hellhole like Alternia had been.  
That was the reason Feferi was able to enter the building without a key and she was allowed to do it because she was a good friend. None of the parties have ever thought that one of them could be in a compromising position when the other came into their hive.

But with Nepeta riding Equius, who had a red ball in his mouth, his knees and elbows bound to feet, and was blindfolded as well, they had to think through their policy.

"…oooooooooo…"

"Feferi…. I… this… ehm… meow?"

"I'll lock my door from now on, you should do the same."

"I nnnnd hwa fhowel," mumbled Equius.

"Okay, Feferi."

* * *

Jade was hovering before a big 20 foot wide LED flatscreen.

"What you see here is an example of proper BDSM behavior between two consenting adults."

"Pale… bondage," said Rose in an absolutely neutral tone.

"Well, moirails prefer to call it "bondagiance" and it is the ultimate proof of trust. One pale-partner can also use it to stop their pale love from doing something very stupid."

Rose was speechless. She had expected to learn a lot about bondage in troll society, but not this. She didn't know what to think of it, how something like Bondage could be used in a platonic relationship.  
Except the part of Nepeta riding Equius like a horse. It just made sense.

"Next, we have the bondage games of Auspistice. Those are surprisingly effective in mediatory situations, Kanaya was a master of it, often shackling Vriska and Eridan together to force through their issues."

"Kanaya has experience with bondage?!"

"Well, she advised Vriska and Eridan over Trollchum," explained Jade. "Equius had to do the actual binding of the two. It was not an easy task, she had to use heavy chains, because ordinary rope was easily torn apart when he handled it."

"How do you know all this?!"

"I am Mrs. Exposition, I know everything, like Morgan Freeman."

Rose found her composure again, along with her sarcasm. "And how much do you get paid for this role?"

"I get good versions of bad movies to see, imported from alternate dimensions of reality."

"That sounds good," was Rose's sentiment. "But how did you figure out what all our friends are doing?"

Jade just gave a smile. "People tell me a lot of stuff. I don't know why, they just do."

Rose chuckled. "As if I would tell you anything without a reason. Like the fact I asked Kanaya to dress up like my mom and role-play as her because I missed her so much…. Oh."

"Don't worry, I can keep a secret," promised Jade with a sympathetic tone. "The others gave me permission to tell you their stories."

Rose's face was as red as the sun setting down behind a sea of magma. But this was probably the price to learn from somebody who can find out so much about others.

* * *

"I am home, Kanaya." said Rose while hanging her coat. "You wouldn't believe the things I have learned today."

Rose sat on the sofa and turned on the TV. On the screen, there was news about a crocodile consort CEO that was being arrested for the crime of corporate corruption.

"I just wanted the money of other people. Nak nak nak!"

Just as Rose was laughing at this, Kanaya entered the room, wearing a hazmat suit.

"Oh shit, here we go again." said Rose with a sarcastic voice.

The masked troll lady took her wife and slung her over her shoulder, as if she were kidnapping her, and transported her to an unknown room. Rose began questioning how many rooms this house had, or if Kanaya added new rooms that defied space. Kanaya didn't answer any of the questions. This roleplay costume, Kanaya was wearing was certainly intimidating Rose, and Rose liked that. The jade blood started undressing her wife until she was naked.

"Oh, are we finally going to-"

Rose's horniness was interrupted by a surprise shower of water coming from the ceiling. Kanaya entered an adjacent room with a window and began talking through a microphone.

"You need to be clean for the next part, Rose."

"Wha-"

Rose was interrupted again, but not because of water, but rather an unexpected brown substance falling from the ceiling. The substance entered Rose's mouth.

"Chocolate?"

Then the chocolate began to pour over Rose like cream, covering all her body. Rose figured that this time, Kanaya was trying a simpler chocolate fetish instead of the vore attempt from last time. However, something felt off as soon as the room temperature descended.

"The experiment is a success!" Kanaya walked out of the adjacent room and looked at her matesprit covered in chocolate. "Human Easter came early with this beautiful Chocolate Rose for me. Rose? Can you hear me?"

Kanaya realized she had screwed up. She started tearing apart the chocolate mask over Rose's face as fast as she could, and once Rose's face was free, the supreme sorceress became thankful to the multiverse for being able to breathe again.

"KANAYA, I ALMOST DIED!"

"I am sorry!"

"You covered me in chocolate dip that becomes solid in cold temperatures?!"

"Yes…"

"Why didn't you use chocolate syrup?!"

"It didn't seem 'bondish' to me."

"Kanaya, I love you, but you have to tone down some of your bondage scenarios so I don't die of a just death because of my horniness."

"I promise I won't try to accidentally murder you, my dear."

"That isn't reassuring enough!"

* * *

"Can anyone point the mistake Kanaya did?" asked Jade to her students in classroom.

For some reason, Jade was dressed as a sexy teacher, and the place had BDSM paraphernalia.

"She failed at killing the yellow haired alien?" asked Daraya Jonjet.

"No, Daraya."

"She used an inefficient machine to cover Rose." answered Dirk.

"No, Dirk."

"They didn't have sex." answered Eridan.

"NO, ERIDAN!"

"Also, why am I here instead of my usual detention in the caverns?" asked Daraya.

"This is detention for the most chaotic characters of Homestuck on Earth C, and I am supervising so that you don't burn down the place."

"What did I do?" asked Dirk.

"That is a question to answer another time. Now, can anyone answer my question about what Kanaya did wrong?"

"She didn't realize she could kill her meowsprit?" asked Nepeta innocently. "Rose looked as angry as Karkat."

"That's right, Nepeta." Jade smiled and pointed at Rose's angry face on the screen. "This is what happens when you break one of the rules of BDSM, and the broken rule here is safety. Kanaya risked Rose's safety in that stunt, and even if she could revive, her death would be painful."

"What is kawaii catgirl doing here?" asked Dirk. "I thought the fans considered her a good girl, without counting the Cr33p3r Nepeta AU."

"She is accompanying Equius in his detention, but he and that wrestling blue blood female have been doing strength competitions during this detention?"

"I have the chainmail sweater to subdue him if he gets violent." Nepeta took out said sweater and ran to the back of the room.

"Ms. human," Ardata Carmia raised her hand. "Can I ask where I can get some of this torture equipment?"

"It's BDSM, not torture, Vris-I mean Ardata."

"Oh right, not real torture. Since I arrived at this planet, I am not allowed to do that anymore, but I found it more lucrative to make videos about people spanking each other for some fetishistic reason. Maybe I can hire those two blue bloods in the back."

"I am not a masochist." said Equius while wearing a mithril chainmail sweater with a cat image on the front. "However, I may offer my services if asked for them, and if the one doing the spanking is a STRONG woman or man."

"Oh, I don't mind." the wrestling legend Nihkee Moolah stood behind Equius with a scary grin.

"Jade, may we have a moment in private?" Dirk took Jade outside the room as soon as another fight/flirting was going to happen. "I know Daraya is an arsonist, Ardata made torture videos, Nihkee became an evil cyborg in a timeline, Eridan is Eridan, and Equius has his moments, but why am I here?"

"I needed to fill space since Vriska escaped detention and Jane flipped me off when I told her why."

"Wait, Jane is troublesome too?"

"Yeah, curiously, her evil deeds overlap with yours in a possibly canon scenario."

"Wait, what? What are you talking about?"

"Oh, look at the time. Kanaya told me she is going to execute another one of her BDSM plans in a few minutes. I can't miss to make an analysis of that."

"Jade, wai-"

Jade disappeared.

"What did I do in that possible canon?! What did Jane do?!"

* * *

"Did you watch too many classic cartoons?" asked Rose. "Too many episodes of the Smurfs and Dudley Do-Right, by any chance?"

Rose, who was dressed like a Cowgirl with a white hat, had her hands bound before her body and her feet as well. It was more comfortable than usual, but the third piece of bondage equipment worried her.

"A few, and they had been very inspirational."

Kanaya was wearing a black top hat, black coat and a mustache she was twirling right now while giving a sinister cackle. She was holding a brown gunny sack in her right hand, the intention obvious.

"You want to stuff me into a bag? How classic. Seriously, I doubt this can even count as a fetish, it is that clichéd."

"Hehehehe! I think it is sexy and perfect for a gorgeous damsel, like yourself cowgirl Rose of the Lalonderosa."

Rose groaned. "Stop it with the puns or I transform you into a sponge."

Kanaya stopped it with the puns and instead dropped Rose into the bag she quickly closed with white pink string.

"Nobody will stop me!" promised Kanaya with maliciousness in her voice, embracing the bag with both arms. "Not even Kankri-Kan't-Be-Wrong can rescue you."

Rose was able to believe a lot but the thought of Kankri as a great hero was too much. She distracted herself from that with struggling in the bag, "fighting" against her kidnapper.

"Struggle all you can, I will lay you on the rails of the disused railway until you die of thirst!"

 _Die of thirst? Better than bring in a real train, less dangerous for everyone involved._

Kanaya carried herbeloved damsel through the area for 10 minutes, both enjoying the movements of the other, Kanaya the struggling, Rose the squeezing and the patting of her butt.

A short while later, Kanaya laid Rose down on the rails. "Now, I will wait for your DOOM! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"No, help!" shouted Rose slightly muffled, struggling in her little bag. "Help me!"

Kanaya danced around and made train noises. And by that, we mean noises of a steam train. "Shoo-Shooooo!"

Rose almost burst into laughter. Almost. She tried to imagine how Kanaya might be the actual train, ramming into her with that jade-tentabulge of hers and- wait, what was that noise?

Kanaya heard it as well and turned just to freeze in shock. There was a steam-train on this disused rail and it was heading towards where Rose was at full speed.

"What is this havoc? Kanaya? You are imitating these noises, right? By the horrorterrors; If you brought in a real train, I will banish you to the Mariana's Trench!"

But Kanaya had no time to answer. She wanted to remove Rose from the rail tracks, but as she was over her, the train, faster than it looks, was already too close. The Jade-Blood had no other choice than to hold her hands out and grab the train, trying to stop it on the spot before it would run over the sorceress supreme. The train made incredibly torturous noises, the wheels of the train spinning like crazy and producing sparks and shrill noises while the vent spit out gigantic clouds of black smoke.

"You are not on track!" shouted Kanaya before lifting the train from the rails and laying it on its side.

Rose gave a chuckle at that pun, not even caring this time. Kanaya's mistakes outweight any laughter about bad puns. Kanaya opened the sack and Rose stuck her head out.

"Kanaya, I am considering to go to Terezi and talk to her about divorce laws."

"That train wasn't my idea, there was supposed to be nothing on the tracks!" swore Kanaya out of breath. "You have to believe me, please."

"Hey, which one of you motherfuckers stopped the train?"

Gamzee and Kurloz came out of the locomotive, both looking high as a kite and very happy.

"Hey, motherfuckers, what is going on?"

Kanaya had her chainsaw ready in seconds. "One wrong move, clowns, one wrong move, and I will create a laughable pie with many pieces."

"Why are you driving on a disused track, Makara's?" wanted Rose to know.

Kurloz made a lot of hand gestures that, luckily, came with subtitles: "Well, Gamzee and I sniffed a lot of horseshit and then thought stealing a train and riding around with it would be fun. It was, but I have the feeling we're getting into trouble now."

"You are so right about that," hissed Kanaya like a mad bat. "I will get Nepeta to punish you Gamzee. And as for you Kurloz I will… I have no idea, I don't know anything about you, but I will come up with something nasty."

"Can I help you with that?" requested Rose, having freed herself from the ropes around her wrists. "After all the bondage failures, I need to vent some anger."

"Very well, my dear. You can have Kurloz."

The Sorceress Supreme stretched out her hands in a movement sideways down, blue flames appearing in her hands. She grinned at the worried looking purple-blood.

* * *

"And what did we learn from what we just saw?" asked Jade, who was wearing a dominatrix dress with high stilettos.

Kurloz raised an arm while trembling. His skeleton suit was scorched, and his hands were shaking.

"Yes, Kurloz?"

Kurloz tried to do sign language, but whatever Rose did to him left him so traumatized that his shaking hands were communicating the wrong message.

"Gotta go fast… Praise the sun… Out with a Yang… Heroes never die… Welcome to Night Vale… I am not gonna throw away my shot!"

"Okay, is there anyone else that can answer?"

"That girl on girl action is hot?" answered Eridan with a smile.

Jade used her space powers to teleport Eridan away. His screams were heard from outside the building as he crashed into the floor.

"I-I am okay!"

"Okay, I will have to explain this." Jade massaged her head with her own hands to calm herself down. "This time, Rose and Kanaya followed the rules of BDSM, but like any other erotic situation, there's always the risk of unwanted visitors when you practice BDSM in open spaces. Always practice your bondage activities in a controlled space, like a private room, a warehouse, a backstage, an office, a lab, or a studio."

"Oh, I have my own tortu-I mean filming studio." said Ardata while looking at Jane with flirty eyes.

Jane, on the other hand, was scared.

"Why did you teleport me here, Jade?! I thought I told you that I am not a rapist!"

"Wait, what?!" Dirk screamed and his cool guy facade disappeared.

"I know you aren't, but in order to keep some peace in our timeline, I thought it would be good to reinforce some healthy sexuality lessons as a precaution."

"Fine!" Jane crossed her arms in defeat. "Just keep these psycho trolls away fr-"

Jade pressed a button and Jane was covered in the same chocolate from Kanaya's machine.

"Hmmmuuurghph!"

Jade uncovered Jane's nose and ears.

"We also have to put a stop to casual xenophobia before it evolves into a genocide." Jade sat on her chair and pointed at the screen, where the transgender flag appeared. "Also, next week, we will have a class about respecting transgender people. Dirk, you have to assist to that class as an obligation, or I will burn down your MLP collection."

"You still didn't tell me what I did in that timeline!"

"Sorry Dirk, but I can't risk you knowing quasi canon information."

While Dirk was trying to comprehend what was happening, the other trolls starting taking chocolates pieces from Jane's body. One weird example is that Lynera Skalbi took a piece from Jane's chocolate "ass" and put it in a tupperware.

* * *

"What happened then?" asked Rose through her phone. "She covered Jane in chocolate?"

While Rose was pacing in her room, a wild Kanaya lurked in the shadows.

"I can't believe I missed that! I should visit Jade's classes more frequently to get some nice gossip."

Kanaya licked her lips and adjusted her steampunk corset.

"Aha. You aren't a transphobe. Yeah, I believe you. Good night, Dirk."

Before Kanaya could tackle Rose, Rose dodged her.

"Kanaya, I am tired."

"But-"

"We already had two fetish scenarios today and I almost died twice. Can't we just cuddle tonight and make out?"

Rose also wanted to add sexual intercourse, but she didn't want to ruin her luck. Just slowing down is all Rose wanted.

"O-okay, my love." Kanaya dropped some random mechanisms on the floor. "I will respect your wishes and just rest with you tonight."

Rose hugged Kanaya and the two fell on their bed while sharing saliva and smearing their lips with black lipstick. That night, Rose finally got to sleep without worrying about waking up in a risky situation.

* * *

"Kanaya!"

Rose woke up and found her matesprit accommodating sushi over Rose's body.

"Breakfast in bed?"

"Sushi isn't breakfast food!"

* * *

Karkat was dressed in a milkman outfit with a metal basket full of milk bottles in his right hand and on his way to make his delivery. He didn't know how Kanaya got him to do this, to be a minor part in one of her weird bondage ideas, but in return, she would have to watch "After Earth" with him.

He loved that movie.

Un-ironically.

He knocked at the door of the hive of his pale-partner and her red-lover. Looking at the pale-colored, ring he sighed, knowing there was more to why he was doing this than just finally having someone to watch "After Earth" with.

His question was not answered after Kanaya opened the door. In fact, he only got more questions as he beheld his pale-partner dressed like a dairy farmer, and behind her was a naked sorceress with a cow-ear headband and a fake cow tail on her lower back, bound to a strange machine with two suctions on her breasts, pumping some white substance through transparent tubes.

"Hi, Milkman, I have some milk for you," Kanaya greeted Karkat. "You just have to wait for another minute, then my cow will have gathered enough for you."

This triggered something in Karkat.

But you might be surprised to hear that it wasn't rage that was now pumping through Karkat's veins. His veins got orders from his brain that had something implemented there long ago on Alternia by a secret cabal of mysterious plumbers that once kidnapped Karkat and brainwashed him so that he would use bottles full of Lusus milk mixed with a little bit of nitroglycerin on an outfit of microwave smuggling gangsters. But both groups got annihilated by a female troll, Spellsword, who wanted to loot them.

The trigger for Karkat was hearing "Hi, Milkman" and getting some milk offered while another person was in bondage.

That outfit had been in some kinky stuff as well.

So Karkat, driven by commands programmed into his head a long time ago just said: "I am the milkman."

What happened next wouldn't been so bad if Karkat hadn't used Alternian Lusus milk mixed with nitroglycerin, the latter a substance he always added thanks to the subliminal commands, harmless to drink in this combination, but dangerous when poured in milk bottles . Milk that was as explosive as it was tasty. And this milk was VERY tasty.

Karkat took a bottle, jumped back and threw it at the hive, where it blasted a big hole into the facade of the first floor and created a big hole in the hive.

"Please, Karkat, calm down…" tried Kanaya to sooth her moirail-husband, but he was in full crazy milk-throwing mode now.

He threw them anywhere at the house and at Kanaya and Rose, the latter of whom having freed herself with magic and was backing down with Kanaya from the Manchurian troll. Even as he accidentally caught himself on flame, his only response was: "I am on fire. I am uncomfortable. Initiating countermeasures."

* * *

"Yeah, Karkat was brainwashed." said Vriska while sitting over a restrained and unconscious Karkat. "I went inside his mind like a Phantom Thief and found a lot of cultish and conspiracy theorist stuff. Last time I was there, that shit was probably hidden and waiting to be unleashed."

"How many times have you entered the mind of my moirail?" asked Kanaya, whose cosplay costume was a bit burned and her hair was a mess.

"Not many. I tried to find juicy secrets, but his mind is like a library full of romantic books, and there's a section dedicated to the study of Dave Strider. That isn't a secret!"

"So, did you remove the source of Karkat's brainwash?" asked Rose, who was covering herself with a towel.

Rose was restraining herself from scratching her breasts in public because of the itchiness of Kanaya's lactation machine.

"Of course I did." Vriska showed them a book with the title "Protocols of the Milkman". "This thing was inside one of the deepest parts of the subconscious library and protected by shadowy mobsters and cultists."

"How…" Rose was almost speechless. "How… How did you take off a metaphysical/psychological object from inside Karkat's cognition and bring it into the real world?!"

"Ah, yeah, well…" Vriska was trying to find the right words. "Whenever you notice something like that… Igor did it."

"Who the fuck is Igor?" asked Rose angrily.

"I don't know, but I am late for a cognition challenge." Vriska put on a Phantom Thief mask that is spider themed. "A guy named Raz thinks he can defeat me. I will show him!"

Vriska jumped over Karkat's body and did some parkour tricks until she disappeared from the sight of the Lalonde-Maryams.

"Oh thank the gods!" screamed Rose.

Rose began scratching her breasts without reservations, while Kanaya was in a corner, patting the head of her unconscious moirail.

* * *

 **godlessAdversary: "This was a crazy chapter, right, Samyaza?"**

 **Chechtiel: "Your recent Persona addiction costed us 1000 dollars in repairs!"**

 **godlessAdversary: "Oh c'mon, it wasn't as bad as your Shadow of Mordor crazy moments."**

 **Chechtiel: "I said I didn't want to talk about that."**

 **godlessAdversary: "You screamed 'CHARGE' every time someone said something awful, tackled them and tried to use brainwash on them, but they were only confused at why you were pressing your hands against their skull."**

 **Chechtiel: "I said I didn't want to talk about that!"**

 **godlessAdversary: "Anyway, next chapter will involve more crazy hijinks."**

 **Chechtiel: "And sacking scenarios."**

 **godlessAdversary: "No, we already had a sacking scenario. Next time there will be some femdom and-"**

 **Chechtiel: "CHARGE!"**

 **godlessAdversary: "AAAAAAAHHHH! NOT IN MY FACE!"**


End file.
